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wisdom? [17 Sep 2006|11:26pm]
letstrytoforget: you can only live your life by someone else's rules so much

letstrytoforget: one of the most important things i learned from dating callie

letstrytoforget: you gotta find someone that respects you for who you are and doesn't mind what you like to do

letstrytoforget: because they enjoy your happiness over anything else like their own jealousy or their own reservations
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[07 Sep 2006|02:27pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

In the bedroom that I'm currently living, there is a window that leads out to a roof that I often sit out with friends on at night. I was sitting on the windowsill with my bare feet on the hot shingles, at about 11 o'clock this morning, breathing in the vista of beautiful ole Historic South Norfolk. My neighborhood is really a beehive, only there's no Queen and everyone forgot how to make honey.

The car that I'm driving is a '98-or-so Jeep Grand Cherokee, that my father purchased from a public auction a few years ago. The frame is bent, or so we perceive, and subsequently the vehicle tears through front tires at what should be a fictitious rate, with today's technology.

The job that I have constantly jerks me around, and as such I made [futile] attempts to roll with the punches and hit back, snaking hours from the younger busers and asking to be trained to fry cook. Working in the kitchen would've given me longer hours and better pay on the clock, so I wouldn't have to rely on the tipshare from a failing, played out seafood and prime rib place. I was excluded from working in the kitchen, after being fully trained, for not being able to come to work [at the last minute] on a Saturday that I had purposely scheduled off [busing, barbacking, etc.] in order to visit Richmond and record some music.

How ya livin'?

[I don't know.]

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[14 Jan 2006|07:40am]
When I look back over the two-and-a-half years since my graduation, it fucking astonishes me where my life has gone. I planned specifically NOT to go to college as a fledgling highschooler and I meant it. I ended up coming to school anyway, and feel as if I have found a new home. The decision was made for me (financially) that I am not to continue my education, but the people that I have met since moving here have changed my life. I thought I knew exactly who I was when I got here two Augusts ago, and I was sure of the fact that I knew who my friends were. Now I have real, clearly-defined goals and an active, progressive plan in order to acheive my goals.

I can't think of anything else than having to endure the adversities of my familial background and a 2-year fictional relationship that would make one realize and value real friends as deeply as I do at this point in my life. When I am older and people I meet/my children want to know where I grew up, I'm going to tell them that it was in Richmond. I lived until I was 18 in Virginia Beach first and then Chesapeake, but I started to grow up in Richmond. Finally.
The bonds that I have forged so far, even as late as this past semester, are incredible and one of the biggest things impacting my life right now. Biggest positive things, that is. My friends are my anchors, my stilts.

My first and only long-term relationship yet was a 2-year lie. I regret the majority of it, and am glad to know that I can not count on other people anywhere near as much as I thought I could. My parents have shown me that, my own inaction has shown me that, and Callie definitely proved that to me. Since August, I have been grappling with self-sufficiency and responsibility shortcomings but with the support of my loyal friends, I can never completely falter, even if that was the exact hand dealt to me. I was born and raised to lose, but I wholeheartedly refuse to go down like that. I'm not a simp, I'm not simple, and I will never be done. I will never give up, I will never stop teaching myself, learning, growing and making more of myself. Fuck doubters, liars, and double-talkers. Support your friends, be true to them, and you deserve one of the highest degrees of respect. Toy around and cheat, and you will die a coward's death, unknowing, unknown, and alone.

(I found a sweet place to stay here in Richmond and am here for the next 6 months. If any of you guys want to hang, call my cell phone...beachnecks that means you, I miss you cats!)
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man, so true. [17 Dec 2005|09:49am]
You Are A Jealous Ex

You're not quite over your past, and you are hurt that your ex is moving on
You're no longer in love, but you're not done with being pissed
Jealous of any happiness that comes your ex's way, you still can't let go

You Are Pecan Pie Soda

Sweet, but totally nuts
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[28 Nov 2005|05:20am]
[ mood | sleepless ]

wasting youth, precious time
and all i gave to you
was trouble
you sit in a boardroom of
blind-hearted beggars
Pardon, don't mind me being subtle

i could say what i need to say
but it's all been done before
so you tell me, what's the score?
is it really worth it anymore?
should i speak, think, or even begin to feel?
no matter how hard i try
nothing ever seems as real
as i'd like

and just like all those other
little boys and girls,
i hope that i die before i'm awake and
noticing the minor inconvenience i'm leaving
on the shoulders of this bastard little world.

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[28 Oct 2005|04:53pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

No one wanted to eat with me last night, so I trudged to Elephant Thai alone, cause I really wanted some of their food. I was dining alone, when I noticed my spanish teacher from last year, Rosita Cruz. I shot her a wave across the room, and a few moments later she came and spoke with me, fairly briefly. She and her male companion finished their meal shortly after I got there, and they left. She waved again to me before she left. When I boxed my food up after finishing my meal, the waitstaff informed me that my teacher, the woman I had been talking to, had already paid for my meal. How fucking sweet is that? I didn't know the human race still had promise, but I was proven wrong.

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[27 Oct 2005|03:54pm]
[ mood | idling ]

As of late?
Sp?eS Demos-Mandarin Mint tins-looots of Embrace-821 Cafe-birthday!!1-40oz's of OE and Sparks-Shannon's Wedding this Saturday-jah as shit handlebar tape is back in full effect-ideas for wedding gifts?-working too much and it driving me insane-stupid 17 year old freshmen talking shit to me and not being able to do anything worthwhile about it, because of said job-dead stop is playing on halloween!-i don't have a costume, nor am i considering getting one-chillin with my home crew on friday and saturday, getting out of rva for a minute-cuttin bitches up-Rumbleseat-Dead Prez

More to come?

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[18 Oct 2005|07:30am]
[ mood | awake ]

One could conceivably be led to believe that my life is empty because a journal that I once frequently updated is now quite sporadically updated. Indeed, the reality is quite the opposite. My life is full of promise, in more ways than one.

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[25 Sep 2005|02:24am]
[ mood | fuuuuucked up ]

On Saturday, I...

+got paid
+ate awesome breakfast at the Village
+bought a carton of buy1/get1free's AGAIN
+ate lots of Tofurkey
+saw Set to Explode/Think I Care/Blacklisted/DTN!!
+saw lots of random people from the beach that I haven't seen in awhile, fuckin Flza, Jesse, Scrappy, everyone. nice.
+bought chocolate shroomery and got propositioned to receive a male-given blowjob on my way there
+chipped in for a total bill of $24.00 at Taco Bell
+3for$1 candy bars at Kroger
+drank beers
+riding my bike ERRYWHERE
+ex got Guest Policy-PWN'ed
+didn't work at all
+woke up when i felt like it
+drank, smoked weed, and fucking hung out.

good fucking night

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[22 Sep 2005|12:36am]
[ mood | pathetic ]

i tried listening to "turn on the bright lights" at work tonight and i felt nauseated.

i just cried for the first time in weeks.

now i'm resigned to going to bed so i can get my all-too-typical 4 hours of sleep. good night.

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taken from a book that cost me fifty cents... [09 Sep 2005|02:41pm]
"Time steals the infant, but the child he leaves;
And we, fighters over old wars--
We men, we shearers of the Golden Fleece--
Were brutes without him,--brutes to tear the scars
Of one another's wounds and weep in them,
And then cry out on God that he should flaunt
For life such anguish and flesh-wretchedness.
But let the brute go roaring his own way:
We do not need him, and he loves us not.
Let music be for us the forward song,
And let us give the good world one more chance."
--Edwin Robinson, from Captain Craig
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Chasin' Tale [06 Sep 2005|04:50pm]
[ mood | busy ]

one day, you'll wake up from your dreams, girl
and realize there's no time in the world
to be fooling around with the heart
of the lion
or tugging on his mane, don't you grab his tail
and get dragged into his hell
you are better than that, it'll drive you sane.

one time, i thought i heard you say, "boy,
I'll be here, until you pass away, and
when you go, i'll leave fingertrails
on your mantle tombstone.
and make it easier
and be here for you
and you'll laugh while you die."
but that's a dirty (fucking/little) lie.

you're not even down the stairs
as she planned to be
move every two years
she never kept the same address
and in conversation, why, she kind of acted
just like a baronness
so far away
'let them//eat cake'
"while I go out and play
cause I earned it
cause I deserve it,
don't I?"

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[03 Sep 2005|01:20am]
[ mood | tired ]

this entry is sentence fragments
emily is awesome
i got my bike fixed today (!!) and red/green/yellow/black griptape is now steadfastly on my handlebars
fucking freshmen. no more pre-gaming for you.
fucking RAs. no soup for you.
i'm dirty. need a shower.
thanks for ruining reading my life

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[30 Aug 2005|02:43am]
[ mood | high ]

May Jah bless yesterday, Monday, August 29th. I feel great.

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[29 Aug 2005|01:04am]
[ mood | discontent ]

I hate you. Really.

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[20 Aug 2005|04:43am]
[ mood | creative ]

A little less than two weeks ago, I bought two canvases, some oil paints, and two brushes. Tonight, I began my first endeavor with that, and painted the vast backgrounds of two hills: one large and in the foreground, and the other in the distance, and it is drying so I can get back to it and script the bottom with "this is the place you end up when you lose the chase, where you're dragged against your will from a basement on the hill" and finish the rest with the fine brush. It was actually really, really enjoyable. I guess I was feeling a little artistic today, because earlier in the day I sat for a solid hour, messing with filters and wacky modifications in Paintshop Pro. The end result of that hour was sixty-some pictures, all originating from one frame I scribbled, with some Minus the Bear lyrics in different spots/colors, and some random red lines. One of the pictures is also now my desktop.

The B-room roommate moved in also. It is 4:45 AM on Saturday and not ten minutes ago, we were smoking a Banana Phillies in my room, talking about who we were. He apparently beat my shitty roommate up last year. This year should be quite interesting.

Working the gates at GRC from 4 PM to 8 tomorrow...wearing my brand new REDS! SAWEET.

This message will self-destruct in five...fou--

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[15 Aug 2005|01:10pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

Sunday was...long. I worked Midnight until 6 AM, came back to West Broad to sleep as long as I could, got up at about 11:30, made a tuna salad sandwich for myself, and ate it on my way back to GRC to work from Noon until 6 PM. I guess it wasn't as bad as I thought it could be? 4:30 AM is not a good time to be sitting at the desk in GRC. It's like the seventh-inning stretch.

After I got off work, I stopped by the Nanci Raygun because Bones Brigade and I Object were playing, and they didn't play a recent show at the beach, so I knew a lot of kids from home would be up. I saw Zach P and Kyle Artrip, stood around for a minute, then decided to go home and sit in the A/C for a little while because I didn't have money to pay to get into the show anyway. Around 7:30 I ventured back out into the city, having nothing to do. I stood outside the Raygun again for a little while with James O'Neill, and after about five minutes of Bones Brigade's set, (which I could hear perfectly from outside), Travis Miller came out and told me to come in, regardless of whether or not I had money (he works the door sometimes). He X'ed my hands and I got to see the rest of the Brigade's set as well as a final set by Government Warning. Inside I also saw Beth, Annie, and Sam V.

After the show ended and people started to go back to the beach, I came back to my room and watched a few songs on Oasis "Live By The Sea," just kind of waiting until 11 because Joe from work told me they were having a few people over. I called him at about 10:30 and he said he and his roommate Danny hadn't recovered from the Mid-6 we all worked, and that they were calling off the hangout sesh. I called up Casey from last semester's Spanish class, and walked up to her apartment on Hanover. Her place is HUGE. Very nice. The neighborhood looks really really nice too. Nice in sort of a ritzy-but-not-snooty way, 'cause you know everyone that lives in those houses are students. I hung out with Casey until around 2:30 then walked home and went to sleep shortly after. I wish I had started to hang with her while I was still in that Spanish class. We have a lot in common and she is very laid back. We both get off work at 9, so I think I may call her again tonight. When I came over last night she was flipping between the Food Network and Style...so scratch the may call her...I'm definitely calling her to save her from the perils of bad cable TV.

And now...LUNCH. I just woke up and I'm starving. Work at 3 at the GRC. Tomorrow I'm off, and that is sweet. End transmission.

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[13 Aug 2005|10:02pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

Moving Tip #12 from Budget Rentals:
"Wear plenty of deodorant on moving day."

I rode home with Callie, Bethany, and Tristan on Friday afternoon, after leaving work early. The car ride was...interesting.

Upon arrival, I dined on tuna salad and triscuits. I retired to my room and watched a VHS tape of Slaughterhouse Five playing at Uncle Huby's with other local bands, and was flooded with good memories and a good feeling about our music. It made me wonder why no one ever really seemed to get into it. Maybe it was my crappy amps and/or guitar sound. I detest "technical difficulties". I also sorted the stuff I wanted to bring back to Richmond with me. Kyle came over after he left work and we ended up going back down to Great Bridge and we hung out at Shannon's for a little while, enduring Chris telling everyone to eat his dump. We started watching Gummo around 1 AM and all decided that was probably not the best idea around 1:45 or so. Then I went home and got some sleep.

I woke up today around 10:30 to kick off the return-to-Richmond festivities, and began the day with a trip to taco bell for "breakfast" for my Dad and Suzy. We brought it back to Seaboard and they ate, and my Dad and I left shortly thereafter. Our journey lasted about three and a half hours (thanks, traffic!) and ended with a cop giving us both popsicles while we were stopped at 5th & Main Streets because there was some kind of block party going on.

What kind of computer memory does a pig use?

Sloppy discs.

Har har.

I cleaned and put things away in my room for a bit after my Dad left, then slept for a few hours, and then went to Reese's house for a little while to jam. The residents and their other friend that was playing music had all snorted xanax shortly before my arrival, unbeknownst to me. That whole deal made the music a pretty worthless endeavor. It was also really loud in the bedroom we were in. I've had ringing in my ears after attending shows, but now my ears are ringing, I can barely hear, and what I can hear feels like I'm hearing it underwater through a tube or from inside a conch shell or something. It's sort of strange. Usually, that sort of goes away when I go to sleep the night it happens. Maybe I'll be so bored at the desk tonight that I will notice as it goes away with each passing moment. Wait, is that possible?

I came home a bit ago because I was bored there and I wanted a minute alone to reflect on things before I go to work. I'm working my last training shift/first Midnight-6AM shift tonight...and I'll be back there on Sunday from Noon until 6PM. Anyone want to bring me some coffee?

I feel lost. Please tell me that we are still becoming our different selves and that our different selves will still be compatible. I don't want anything more right now than to be compatible with you. I wonder what I am supposed to do with my free time. I don't want more friends, I want hugs and kisses. I want to hold you up and not let you down.

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[09 Aug 2005|02:24pm]
I just put on my favorite (dark-brown Structure) shorts, and it made me remember a dream I had last night. In the dream, I went to put these shorts on, and as I buttoned them, the button popped off. I don't have a sewing needle or thread up here with me right now. If that's not a metaphorical parallel to what's going on right now, I don't know what the hell is.
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[09 Aug 2005|11:52am]
[ mood | scared ]

I've let the two most important people in my life down. Ultimately I have nowhere to turn from this, because it is of my doing and there isn't any history that can be erased, just saved in my snapshots in my head. I couldn't even tell you what part of this is the scariest; maybe there isn't even one part. It's all just really hard and I don't even really have the words to explain myself. I don't feel like doing anything, and yet I feel like doing everything at once. Fuck. FUCK.

You gave me the best times of my life...
the only thing i'll regret is not making it clear that i was holding on as tight as i could.

I know what everyone's advice will be, but HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KEEP MY HEAD UP IF THERE IS NO DENYING MY BLAME?

not time to keep my head up, just time to keep living. i won't ask for help. i need to help myself.

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